I met my husband at a gay bar. Yes you read that correctly. Not only was it a bar, it was a gay bar. It was the bar's Halloween celebration (10/30) - you know how the gays like their Halloween. :) And I wasn't going to go out - classic story...well except for the GAY portion. He was living in NY at the time but back to visit so really who knew it would go anywhere past that night. But he had his quirks. I don't think our relationship was ever perfect - I know, whose is - but I mean it's always seemed to be two steps forward, one step back with us. In a lot of ways.
From the start I knew he had an issue with, well I don't want to use the word fidelity because I think that exaggerates it. The term wandering eye would probably best sum it up. But it had always been online crap. Not that that ever made it feel less hurtful but it was nothing compared to what the future held.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I because a statistic. My husband had an affair. I found out about it 15 months ago and I can honestly say I have yet to get over it. I am trying but there is still a trust issue. I guess it's to be expected; unless of course you're my husband who thinks I should have been over it 12 months ago and that if I am still hanging on to it why are we still married. I say that's a cop out way to think and that it will take time and he either needs to be patient or just pack his bags now.
We did the therapy thing for a while - until the sessions became about how I don't do the dishes everyday or how my side of the bed is always a mess. I started thinking "And what the hell does all this have to do with you cheating? You had an affair because I am not a Merry Maid??" So I decided it would be best if he continued therapy alone, mainly because I think the problem stems from sex addiction. However his therapy continued one session past my going, after which he decided he was 'fine' and focused and never going to do it again. As much as I would LOVE to believe that and while I don't think he intentionally plans to do this stuff, the fun part about addiction is you can't control it if you don't seek the help to do so.
While I don't know if there were others with whom improprieties occurred back then, I would not fall off my chair with surprise if I found out there had been. There are a couple I have my suspicions about. But at this point I am not really sure it matters all that much.
The thing about an affair is it's like a seed. The minute you find out about it the seed starts to grow in your mind. As it roots off it's an endless possibility of questions and doubts and thoughts that continually creep in to your head. I have not yet been able to find an appropriate weed killer for it (I tried alcohol but it's resistant) but I AM trying, really.
It's a touchy subject for me. Very few of my friends know, a pride thing I am sure. This is really the first place I've been open and honest about it really. There is no one to judge me here. No one to point out all my flaws and say no wonder he cheated. What's funny is that if he cheated now I would understand why more than I did then. We have separate bedrooms, we rarely have sex, I've gained a TON of weight, etc etc. But the fact that he did it way before all of that, when I was pregnant and right after when we had a newborn...that's what boggles my mind. Sure things were a bit stressful with a new baby but really it was what I considered to be the happiest time of our lives. We were soooo wrapped up in the excitement of our daughter...I can't help but think if he couldn't be faithful THEN, there is no way in hell we will survive the future. I cannot recreate an even higher level of happiness than those days.
I just want to get through the next 16 years without messing up our daughter about men the way my mom did to me...
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